Gone is the hope I had for the world.
I have no faith in the human species anymore. Here's why:
6 Things Men Do To Get Laid That Science Says Turns Women Off
Disclaimer: I know it's a stupid article on Cracked.com. I also know the main goal of the article is to get laid, not find the woman you want to marry and make babies with. So I'm cutting that article a little slack, but it's still fucking sad. The majority of the other articles I read were talking about finding the woman using the same tactics. Which makes me sick.
So since these articles are completely off-the-wall unbalanced, here's how it's done. These things will work on any sane and normal woman who is looking for a relationship. You want a one-night stand, I can't help you because I have A.) Never had one, B.) Never wanted one and C.) You're the type of guy I couldn't give two shits less about if all you're looking for is a one-night stand.
We'll start at square one. If you're trying to meet a woman for the first time, read from here:
1.) Don't go to a bar
Do not try to pick up a woman in a bar. It is the last place you want to meet a woman, even if you really do just want to sleep with her. Bar/club/whatever, if there is profuse amounts of alcohol available at said venue, it's a recipe for disaster. If you're drinking, you're definitely not thinking at your best, and if she is drinking too, her I.Q. has dropped
Try to meet women in other places you frequent. The gym is a good place because it's something you both are interested in. It also shows you both care about your health and sort of care about your physical appearance. Even if you're going to the coffee shop once a week and you happen to see the same woman there several times in a row come in behind you, remember her drink (if she gets the same thing every time) and buy it for her once. Just once. Don't keep doing it without saying anything. It'll get her attention and show that you're interested in a subtle way. When she says "Oh thanks!" say "No problem. Hey, would you like to come back on Saturday morning and have a cup together? By the way, I'm [insert your name here, don't make it up or change it]" and then hold out your hand for a shake. This leads in to tip 2. If she's single and attracted to you in any way, then she'll say "Sure! I think I'd like that." If she says no she's either A.) Not Single or B.) Dumb. If either A or B is true, then you didn't want to hang out with her anyway!
2.) Be Confident
Whatever the fuck you try to do to get her attention, grow the balls to do it like you meant it however it turns out. Actually, fuck that, grow a vagina. (Balls a weak and sensitive, vagina's take a pounding! Haha!)
What I mean is that, if you're going out of your way to get her attention, make sure she notices it and just fucking do it. Don't pussy-foot around it. If you want to get lunch together, just fucking ask her, especially if you already know her. I hate mind games. I can't imagine men like them much either.
So if you've got an idea to get her attention, don't half-ass it. Go for it. Even if you totally fail (trip up the stairs, drop a plate, say something totally stupid) laugh at yourself. If she doesn't laugh with you (i.e. laughs AT you with a disgusted look on her face), then she's the kind of bitch you didn't want to hang out with anyway! If you fail and she laughs with you and then makes sure your'e okay or got a genuinely good laugh out of it and approaches you because of it, then you accomplished what you wanted. You got her attention in a positive way and she'll remember you for it, even if it's because you're clumsy as fuck.
3.) Don't Be a Creeper
No I'm not talking about the creeper when your underwear is riding up your butt hole. That sucks almost equally as bad as when a guy is being a creeper. Perfect example of being a creeper:
I'm at an Applebee's by myself having dinner before I have to go to class. I'm eating food, READING A BOOK, and minding my own g-damn business. This guy comes over and sits down across from me WITHOUT ASKING.
DID I ASK FOR COMPANY? NO MOTHER FUCKER, NOW BACK THE FUCK UP.
Sorry, that was a lot of f-bombs, but I felt compelled to express the creeper factor there. Don't do that kind of crap, it's weird and stalker-like.
What he could have done was approached me and said "Excuse me, would you like some company? I saw you sitting alone and thought I'd ask." And I would have been like "Oh, no thanks, I'm okay" (that is the I'm-Not-Single Response) or "Sure, thanks, I'd like that" (that is the I'm-Single Response).
Don't stare. It's bad
Don't invade the personal bubble of space without first establishing verbal communication.
Think of a woman doing something to get your attention that would seriously creep you out. Got it all? Okay, don't do any of that to them. Because it will creep them out equally.
4.) Show Interest
Whoever came up with the idea that women like being ignored is a fucking tool. If you like her and are actually interested in her then TELL HER THE TRUTH. (Genie got it right when Aladdin was being a fucking twat to Jasmine).
If she has no interest in you, that's her fault. Not yours. If you initiate conversation and she's blowing you off, screw her, she's not worth your time.
Women will think the EXACT same way if you're doing that to them; if she's telling you a stupid story that doesn't make any sense, and you're ignoring her, she'll see that, then think "He's not fucking listening to me and we just met, he's either got ADD or isn't interested, peace out motha fucka" and then turn and leave.
5.) Be Interesting (But Don't Make Shit Up and Lie!)
Find something positive about yourself (trust me, there's something there as much as you may not think so) and play on that. You draw really well. You have this silly uncanny ability to long division in your head with bigantic numbers. Find something you're good at and make it AWESOMER. If you can play guitar GET BETTER AT IT.
This obviously takes place after you've initiated conversation. Maybe there's a lull in the conversation and she seems bored. Especially if she's been the one babbling about herself all night (women do that, especially the ones with a lack women friends, e.g. me) take that opportunity to talk about yourself. If you're interested in her, that's all well and good, but she may not be interested in you much which is why she's been babbling all night.
"I can do a back flip from standing. I'll show you sometime."
"I can sing really well, I'll have to sing for you once where you can hear me better and we're not around a million people where I'll embarrass the shit out of myself."
"I have a rowboat, we can go out on the lake some time, it's fun and relaxing."
STUPID shit like that, just small one liners with an expectation of meeting AGAIN in the future helps. It's almost like secretly setting up a second date and most often she'll go "oh yeah" and not realize she just agreed to see you again.
6.) Rejection Sucks ...
But it's better than being with someone that is faking liking you when they really are bored out of their minds or hate your guts. Think about it, if they say "Sorry, you're not my type" they're probably right. They probably like the douchers that slap them around ...
Learn from rejection by learning the type of women that reject you. If you're chasing after big-tittied blonde bimbos and they all seem to run away from you screaming bloody murder, you might want to try a different type of woman. If the nerdy woman at the LAN cafe leaves the minute you try to talk to her, seriously, don't even keep trying, she's not worth your time even though she is a nerd and one you were attracted to on top of it.
7.) Opposites Usually Don't Attract
Why do I know this. I'm the female version of my boyfriend, that's why. While he doesn't play video games as much anymore (and I still do) we're still very similar people. We're nerdy, we do a shit ton of stuff together, we like the same types of movies (except horror, which I very rarely can handle) and we have generally the same tastes in food, music, art, video games, books, t.v., pets, and just about anything else in life you can think of.
Except onions, mushrooms, and black olives. I dont' care for crunchy onions, he doesn't like mushrooms or black olives. I think he might die if he eats either one.
While Luke and I have a shit ton in common, we do have a few things that we like doing separately. And just because I can't think of wtf those things are right now doesn't mean they don't exist.
8.) Stay In Your League
I'm not a super model. Luke isn't a body builder. With that said, we're great for each other because I think he looks fantastic and he thinks I look great (even though we've both put on some weight, i.e. too much beer).
If you look like Matt Damon, then you can date super models. That's the rule. If you're not quite as good looking as a guy like Matt Damon, then you're probably not able to date girls that look like super models. However, if a woman is really attracted to you, she'll think you're equally as attractive as Matt Damon as you will think her equally as sexy as Sandra Bullock. (I user he because she's equally as intelligent as Matt Damon, instead of saying some dumb ho like Jessica Alba, LUKE, WHAT DO YOU SEE IN HER, SHE'S A FUCKING MORON, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU LIKE HER!!!)
Sorry, moving on ...
Play your strengths; find women that are on a similar level of attractiveness BOTH PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY.
I cannot stress enough that the physical part of the attraction is only half of the game. She may be a little on the less physically attractive side, but you know, you guys might have a lot more in common than you think and she might actually be super funny/smart/whatever and you might really dig her after you talk a few times.
Here's a general rule about women: the ugly duckling syndrome is true. Girls that are typically shy and a little socially awkward that are also attractive were probably not very attractive growing up and were probably picked on a lot. So they had to develop a personality and be clever to have friends of the opposite gender.
Girls that were pretty growing up and didn't get picked on and are still attractive now will probably lack a personality and not be very clever because they didn't have to talk to have male friends. Those male friends naturally gravitated towards her simply due to her looks.
Yes these are very general, sweeping, broad statements, but they are true. So just keep that in mind when you're running in to a lot of airheads that can't put two sentences together because every other words is "like". There's a reason their speech pattern developed that way.
9.) Take a Break
If you've run in to a lot of rejections lately, or you've just gotten out of a long relationship, take a break. Clear you head and get out of the game for a while. Reevaluate what it is you want in a woman, especially if you just went through a break up. Reevaluate your "game" too. See if some of your tactics at meeting women need honing, or if your target audience is a little off. Gather data, analyze, adjust where needed, and then get back in the game.
10. Don't Ever Give Up. Ever.
Don't ever quit. There are too many women out there looking for someone that it would be a shame for a guy to just say "I'm done with women". No, I don't mean realizing you're gay. Seriously, if that happens, you need to acknowledge that and accept it. If you're gay, forcing yourself to go for women will NOT change the fact that you're actually attracted to men.
But don't ever give up on women. Please. We're frustrating creatures, I know. We say things we don't mean, we mean things we don't say. We're confusing, contradictory, and just plain ol' weird. I'm fully aware of that. (I think that, because I know this, I lack a lot of female friends that are NOT aware of this, which is okay because they're probably not the type of woman I'd like to hang out with).
So that's all I can come up with right now. Nobody wants to be treated like shit. I don't know anybody that does. So guys, do not treat women like objects or prizes that are worth winning. Be genuine, be you, and if the girl doesn't like that, fuck her. She's not worth your time. Do not fret over someone not wanting to hang out with you.
The reason I'm able to give advice on this is because I speak from experience. No, I'm not a lesbian. But I moved away from all of my female friends when I was 20 and tried finding new ones. It's a pain in the ass! Most women I met were NOT in to the same things I am, so I felt like a guy trying to meet a woman. Because I enjoy stereotypical male entertainment (to a degree), a lot of women were totally weirded out by me and didn't want to do anything with me at all.
In general, the best you can do is be you. If someone cannot accept you for who you are, screw 'em. They're not worth your time.
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