Birthdays

I'm 26 today.

When this week started, I didn't even remember that my birthday was this week, even though I have a party and a concert planned for this weekend.

When I got sick Tuesday night and went to the gym on Wednesday with a cold, I forgot that the next day was my birthday.

When I woke up this morning, all I could think of was how miserable I felt with this sinus infection.  Green snot is green.

And then Luke wished me Happy Birthday and gave me a big hug.

Then I said "Holy shit, it's my birthday."

Maybe it was the NyQuil.  Maybe it was the menthol cough drop I ate last night that my cat did NOT appreciate me blowing in his face.  I wish I'd gotten a picture of the face he made.  First it was squinty-blinky eyes, then the right side of his lip curled up a it.  It was hilarious.

The magic of my birthday is gone.  I noticed it earlier this week, this morning, and just now.  There is no anticipation in the days leading up to my birthday.  None.  I wasn't even excited.  I'm not even really excited about the party tomorrow night because all we're doing is going to a bar (a good one) and then coming back to my place to play Cards Against Humanity.

And strangely, I'm okay with that.  I've learned to not care about my birthday anymore.  I used to care.  Especially after Luke and I got together.  I expected a gift from him.  A card at least, and maybe dinner.  That's how I was raised.  My Grandma still sends me a check with money (she has an ulterior motive for doing so) and I think my Mom and my Aunt both sent me a card with something in it (confetti).  My aunt also told me to watch for a box, and sent me a text message with a picture of a statue-Harry Potter at some museum, probably at Universal Studios in Cali.

But this year I am totally uninterested in my birthday.  I don't care about getting older.  I still look like I'm 15 so that part doesn't bother me.  I just noticed in a really strange way that my emotions surrounding my birthday have done a complete 180.

I couldn't care less if anybody even acknowledged it anymore.  Simply put, it just feels like another day.

I'm coming to a worrisome conclusion.  I might not be cut out for office-work.  I don't know if I can handle the monotony or same-shit-every-day schedule.  I'm wondering if I chose the right career path.  I think I might do better in a managerial position where I'm not writing code every day.  Hopefully, one day, I can grow in to a position like that.

I'm blaming NyQuil for all of this.